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Welcome to Amanda Green’s website

My Alien self my journey back to me Amanda Green e book cover march 2012 My name is Amanda Green (pseudonym), I was born and live in England, UK,  and I set up this website and wrote two memoirs  to share with my readers the stories of my issues with mental illness, therapy and recovery. I also write thought provoking, inspiring fiction with the theme of overcoming adversities (abuse, homelessness, mental health, relationships and more)

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Subscribe to Amanda Green author by email and you will receive an email each time I publish a new article to the site, to keep you up to date.

I regularly post blogs about coping strategies, inspirational things to do, Borderline Personality disorder, depression, Obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety/panic attacks, thyroid issues, eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia), alcohol and drug abuse, sexual abuse/rape, Quetiapine (Seroquel anti-psychotics) and Citalopram (anti-depressant), therapies such as Cognitive behavioural therapy and paranoia, dissociation and psychosis – all of which I have experienced in one way or another either myself or those I know.  Also info on mental health charities, forums,  campaigns, the stigma surrounding mental illness, some of my personal experiences, celebrities with mental health issues and mental health in the family.

My logo is a locked box and this is because one of the main things I had to do to heal myself was to deal with adverse things that have happened to me in my past and my aim was to put them in a ‘pandoras box’, close the lid on them and lock them away, so that I could forgive and forget the past and concentrate on the future.

Amanda Green pandora box logo

Amanda Green pandora box logo

I realised that holding onto the past was harming me in the present time and it had to stop. Therefore, I decided this would be an apt logo for me to share and be recognised with. Plus green is for ‘go’ (‘go for it’ I thought) and is also my pen name.

You will see the main feature on the ‘My Alien Self : My Journey Back to Me’ book cover is a keyhole in keeping with the locked away bad memories theme…

Read about my book  My Alien Self – My Journey Back To Me by CLICKING HERE. To view or purchase any of my books click on the links to Amazon on the right.  Both memoirs are available as paperback and all are on kindle, but the GREAT news is that you do not need a Kindle reader to read kindle books Find out more by CLICKING HERE

I have also added a sample of my writing – see it by CLICKING HERE  and a small piece from my book about my mum and dad – CLICK HERE :-)

My personal website is SandraMDean …….Continue reading Welcome to Amanda Green’s website…

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Mindfulness after the event; what can you remember in the past week?

I am always promoting mindfulness and how to be ‘in the moment’, but today I tried another exercise – Being mindful about

aerial views

aerial views

what I can remember from the last week in terms of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. It has worked well for me, in order to be in touch with recent goings on so maybe it will work for you…

Sight – aerial views out of the aeroplane window, beautiful Cambridge, crowds of people in shorts and dresses, ice cream melting down the cone, sun and blue skies, my cat, hamster and fish, Michael’s face and hair, rain, lightening, clouds, mum’s blue eyes crying, the injury on her head, elderly residents in care homes, frail, disabled and sad looking or smiling, care workers laughing with kind faces, green trees and beautiful flowers of all colours…

Sound – the hum of the aeroplane, people speaking across the radio into my headphones, an elderly woman shouting ‘help!’ over and over in the care home my mum is now living in, birds singing outside my bedroom window, the dustbin cart and crashing of bins being emptied, flies buzzing in the house (ugh!), Titus purring rhythmically, music and chatter on the radio, tv programmes, hairdryers and chatter in

Sandra and Titus Dean

Sandra and Titus Dean

the hairdressers, buzzing electrical instruments in the dentist, car horns, alarm clock, cooking timer, mum crying, mum telling me she prefers my hair blonde, mum moaning I don’t do enough, mum wanting to know why her husband doesn’t want her anymore…

Smell – Urine and air freshener in care homes, musty old smells, obnoxious effluvia’s, baked potatoes, sumptuous fruits of red wine, smelly bins in the heat, the fresh smell Titus brings in from outside in his fur, Indian food, garlic, deodorant, fish and chips…

Taste – fish and chips with salt and vinegar, creamy ice creams, lemonade, lager, white wine, red wine, garlic bread, salmon and cucumber sandwiches…

Touch – My cat’s soft fur, my hamster’s even softer fur, Titus walking over me in bed to wake me up, heat!!! My fan blowing a breeze at me, the air conditioning in my car, wind blowing through the car with the windows down, sweaty body, aching back, aching ankles and feet, headaches, my hair being washed and massaged, cold water showing over my body, a hot hairdryer on my head, alcohol relaxing my brain, …….Continue reading Mindfulness after the event; what can you remember in the past week?…

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Creative Art therapy, Writing therapy, unsent letters, photography, drawing, PTSD, trauma, anxiety, Depression, Dementia, Alzheimer’s, relationships, self-esteem…

I am just starting my counselling course research project. I have chosen ‘creative art therapy’. Writing and

gotta keep smiling through adversity

gotta keep smiling through adversity

Photography therapy will be my main subjects. I cannot wait to start as I have gained so much from writing and photography as self-help to overcome adversities in my own life since I was fourteen. I have written diaries, unsent letters, journals, blogs, memoir’s (published) and taken thousands of photographs to capture scenes, moods, expressions, views, good times, not so good times and my travels. I have a lot to give the project and look forward to reading all the research that has been done on a professional level. I had considered writing a self-help book about creative art therapy, so hope this will help me achieve that too.

I have kept a diary since I was fourteen. When I wrote in it, it was like telling a good friend, so it was a release, but because no-one would ever read them, I could write exactly what I wanted – how I really felt, thought, behaved, without worrying about anyone else’s bias ideas. I could also read diaries from the past and bring back memories, or use them to help me to understand past events.

I wrote unsent letters to people (alive or passed away), to tell them how I really feel about certain things. An unbiased, get it all out style with an almost formal approach to it, yet full of my emotions, thoughts and feelings, all laid out on the paper in the written word. Permanent, yet unsent. The person will never see the letter, yet it’s a great release to have written it.

I have, at times, drawn doodles, and I think a lot can be drawn from what and how you doodle – like a drawing from …….Continue reading Creative Art therapy, Writing therapy, unsent letters, photography, drawing, PTSD, trauma, anxiety, Depression, Dementia, Alzheimer’s, relationships, self-esteem……

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Nine weeks and one day. Dementia. Care homes. Social services and parents.

Oh thank goodness for Chris, some lovely supportive friends, Bach’s remedies, Titus (my cat who is great therapy), Molly (hamster), my fish, my potted garden, my counselling course and my writing… Staying positive, doing things I enjoy and using mindfulness have been key to getting through recent tough times.

Titus

Titus

This last nine weeks and one day have been quite tense…

I found a local care home for mum when she left hospital and she went to stay there twelve days ago. I was under immense pressure from social services to choose a care home from a list of three, and had to make a formal complaint about one of the social workers at the hospital.

Mum hates it. She is far too compos mentis for the place, which accommodates mid to high level dementia residents. The shouting, moaning, confusion and wanderings of her fellow residents scare mum. Her things going missing are annoying mum. Doors are never locked, and dementia residents do ‘wander’ in and out of other resident’s rooms picking things up etc.

After mum’s miraculous recovery from Lithium toxicity, smashed ribs, broken femur and puncturing her lung (falling down the stairs nine weeks and one day ago), and then Sepsis in hospital, she deserves more. She wants to go home and is being told she cannot. She is questioning her marriage to my father “Why don’t you want me anymore?” “I don’t want to go home if you don’t want me” etc.

Dad says he cannot look after her anymore and is staying in their house alone. He has been moving her stuff about, getting new curtains, windows, a car and fence during the last two months, and I have been feeling resentful towards him. But, he has supported my mum for many years, so I know I cannot call him selfish. He is dealing with it all in his own way. …….Continue reading Nine weeks and one day. Dementia. Care homes. Social services and parents….

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Sunday reflections on a tough seven weeks

Oh my word, it’s another rhyme! I am finding writing this way suitable for portraying recent events…

swans and signets in the local park lake

swans and signets in the local park lake

 

Care homes, hospitals, seven weeks of much despair,

Love, hope and strength abound as I pulled at my own hair

I’d given that habit up long ago, recent stress has brought it back on,

But, as things are sorted, day by day, and one by single one

I finally see things clearly now, not through foggy lensed glasses

Everyone calms, even mum, as each and every day passes

Social workers, the discharge team, they are keen to get mum out the ward

It’s no surprise, in a hospital, and mum’s recovery, it’s not untoward

But they could have done better, I had to complain, it’s like being in a fast race

To get mum a new home in a day or two, I couldn’t keep up with the pace

But, I’ve found a place for my mum to rest for six weeks; it’s not very long …….Continue reading Sunday reflections on a tough seven weeks…

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The worst day of my life, thus far, in my forty one years – mum and vascular dementia

Yep, it’s another rhyming ditty/poem thing… :-) 

my echium pininanna

my echium pininanna

 

Six weeks today, my mum fell down the stairs

I thought this time, supporting her, was more than I could bear

But she came out of ICU, trauma ward, and now can walk

Even though she is slow, needs a Zimmer frame, and lots of support

But, I got her in a wheelchair yesterday, and took her for a spin

It broke up the day a bit; some fresh air and sun away from the ward’s din

But it was a day of hard assessments, I had to tell her life story

It wasn’t fun, it was about her needs, and in it there was no glory

For it’s all about funding, social workers, needs and ongoing care

Mental capacity tests, very difficult to watch, it was almost too much to bear

I broke down many times, sobbed and howled, but never in her presence,

Got to be strong, support her needs, but it was hard to get the essence…

over to her, that she needs a lot of help, from now on, to keep her safe …….Continue reading The worst day of my life, thus far, in my forty one years – mum and vascular dementia…

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I hate dementia, schizophrenia and mental illness – just for today.

Britain’s Got Talent has finished now. It cheered me up and now I feel low again. I hate dementia and Schizophrenia right now (I’m allowing myself to, just for today) – they seem to have ruined everything for mum. My poor mum (and dad) So much yet to do about mums future care and I have to be an adult and help sort it all out. Wish my three brothers did more the past couple of years. At least they visit mum in hospital at this time. I want to be a child again. This time right now is my worst nightmare I have dreaded happening for real for the past fifteen years. Using mindfulness and eating ice cream and tonnes of food is not working today. I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. Get good days and bad days, but mainly I am keeping very strong and living my life (which I find pretty amazing). xxx

And there was me saying I didn’t want to share my pain on-line; only inspiration! LOL that didn’t last long! Mind you this is a first, so I will forgive myself. I will get through this. I got through my own mental health issues, so maybe this won’t be any harder! Mmmmm, not sure. :-)

Have you or anyone you know had a parent with Schizophrenia or Dementia or both?

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Myself, my books and Titus my cat – this photo tells you nothing

Sandra Dean (Amanda Green) and Titus and my books

Sandra Dean (Amanda Green) and Titus and my books

A picture speaks a thousand words so they say. I agree. But, they don’t always tell the whole truth. I just took this photo of myself, my books and Titus, my handsome, gorgeous black and white tuxedo cat! What does it tell you? I am happy? I am a successful author?

Well, I am pretty content nowadays, but I am hiding a lot of pain. Just as I got myself over the main hump of my own mental health issues, my mum began to go downhill. She then had a fall, and I wrote a poem about on here a few days ago… Anyway, this is all leading on to being one of the most difficult times of my life thus far. Not that I am complaining; not at all. In fact, due to the strength of overcoming my mental health problems, I feel stronger every day.

It is just that, recently, whilst counselling one of my clients, we discussed how they do not feel ‘real’ and true to themselves. To keep the peace with family members, they endure criticism without argument. They cannot share their true feelings, thoughts and behaviours – they feel they need to put on an act. They feel like a child in the relationship and not equal. We are working on ways to be more assertive using self respect. I have also felt like this in the past. We discussed how many people have a persona for various situations, be it work, certain family members, events etc. We live in a social system that makes us that way. Not all of us, but many. We might be more polite at work, or speak better when with those who speak well, or say we are fine when we are not. …….Continue reading Myself, my books and Titus my cat – this photo tells you nothing…

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If in doubt, do things you enjoy

“I am not worthy”

rainbow sunset

rainbow sunset

“Their needs are bigger than mine”

“I don’t have time!

“I don’t have spare money”

Just a few of the negative things we may say to ourselves when thinking about doing something for ourselves. Thinking like this can make us feel even more unworthy.

But, it’s not really good enough is it? We should look after ourselves and our minds.

If we don’t relax and give ourselves some time in our day, we might frazzle, burn out, get bored, resent others…

Now, as we know, some hobbies or things we may enjoy may take up quite a bit of time, such as boating, visiting art galleries or stately homes, hiking, judo, shopping, a college course in drawing, cooking or learning a language… but they could be very fulfilling.

On the other hand, if you are a very busy person already, you might try practising mindfulness, meditation or just sitting and giving yourself a few minutes to think of nothing. Often you will find that something random and interesting will come to mind. I find my creativity is at its peak and I find answers to things I have been worrying about, if I just …….Continue reading If in doubt, do things you enjoy…

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Three weeks and four days… Mum and being positive, a poem

OK here goes another ditty, poem, rhyme; whatever you want to call it. Don’t expect a great poem, just a little story about the

My plants May 2015

My plants May 2015

last three weeks and four days…

 

Three weeks, four days, it has passed so fast

Made me feel unreal at times, like I was wearing a mask

Mum was first in intensive care, it was really touch and go

Her lungs were punctured, atrial fibrulation; her heart was fast and slow

She looked so frail and small in bed, sedatives keeping her calm and asleep

We thought the worst, we thought too much, and many tears I did then weep

But she got through, and she was moved, the trauma ward, where she could rest

She was confused, teary and annoyed, she also felt like she was a pest …….Continue reading Three weeks and four days… Mum and being positive, a poem…

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Re-launching ‘Behind Those Eyes’ Life on the streets of London; re-edited, on paperback and with a new cover!

Behind Those Eyes front cover

Behind Those Eyes front cover

I am very excited about re-launching ‘Behind Those Eyes’ a kindle book I published in 2014. Its new name is ‘Behind Those Eyes: Life on the streets of London’, it has a brand new cover, and is now available as a paperback as well as an e-book.

Aidana Willow designed the new cover; some links to it on her blogs can be viewed by CLICKING HERE and HERE and HERE (all open in a new window)

Check out the new cover on Amazon:

Amazon UK CLICK HERE

Amazon COM CLICK HERE

It’s full of twists and turns and hopefully the story will surprise you!

Storyline: Two homeless men, a successful brother and sister, a woman falling in love, a man with family problems, a policeman and a whole lot of twists in this ‘sliding doors’ style novella. It’s a story about people and adversity, love, friendship and stigma. Will you work out what they have in common?

It’s a work of fiction, but is my favourite of all my books so far, as researching and writing it was so very humbling and interesting. I now work with homeless people, and my message is the same as with mental health issues and elderly – do not judge or stigmatise. People become homeless for such a …….Continue reading Re-launching ‘Behind Those Eyes’ Life on the streets of London; re-edited, on paperback and with a new cover!…

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