I am just adding this now but it was written on 12th September 2013 – I woke, having dreamt of my brother, Ian and his wife – it was not nice. I thought about why I would dream about them, and remembered that I had been talking about them in group analysis yesterday – how I do not speak to them anymore. But going to that group, being there, talking, listening, the whole thing; it all seemed like a dream as well. I remember things that were said and done, but as I would a dream, not reality, and not as clear as ‘yesterday’ should be. I know it’s down to stress and anxiety, which is why I sweated and shook before I went in there for the first time, why I spoke more quietly than usual, and why it seems dreamlike. Anxiety and depression can do that to me. If an event becomes very overwhelming I can become outwardly quiet, nervous or I talk too much, seemingly excited. At the same time as showing these traits to others, I am actually in a kind of daze – like going though the motions, feeling like I am there, feeling the nerves, hearing everything etc, but soon after it becomes as if it was not real, not me. At those times, I cannot write about what went on as I normally could, as it is like it didn’t happen, or I don’t want to acknowledge it. And that is why I am writing this the following day, as I have only just come to terms with what went on and the reality of it. My self awareness issues do not help either.
Among other things, I talked about my previous paranoia, and when I think about how I wouldn’t end up getting to a restaurant because I couldn’t decide what to wear and could only think of how people will view me in the clothes, what they would think about me, how much they would look at me, or watch me – I could not just wear what I wanted and go. I had tried to explain to Chris at the time, but I find it, right now, very hard to understand myself, now I do not feel that way, so I don’t know if he ever ‘got what I meant’.
I think, perhaps, it was the lady in the group talking about the funeral she had been to on Monday, and how there was an atmosphere surrounding her and a family member. I felt very empathetic, as I do. It also triggered me quite badly I think. I began talking about my fear of funerals because of atmospheres and people I don’t want to see at them. I explained why it makes me want to die first so I don’t have to deal with it. How it makes me want to shut down my relationships with mum and dad, as I am the closest to them, yet I must avoid my brothers at their funerals. And then Chris – I told of him not allowing me to meet his mum for six months and when she passed away he did not allow me to go to her funeral, because of his ex-family of step children and step grandchildren and his ex-wife being there. How he has never allowed me to meet any of that family who he is very close to. He only has one brother left, and he lives in America, but I did meet him one time. Friends, I have met a couple, but that didn’t last. I was not welcomed to meet them because of every excuse under the sun, including the fact that he was frightened how I would behave (despite me NEVER behaving badly in front of anyone else but him). I could go on. I won’t. That’s it about him for now.
Listening to everyone’s issues, and meeting such a range of people, also overwhelmed me yesterday – my levels of empathy are still far too high, and I get to the point where I am feeling virtually what the other person is feeling, and being an emotional person anyway, that is going to be hard to bear.
The whole talking in a group thing is difficult for me, not just because of the nature of the meeting, but because I am used to one to one in most aspects of life. At tops, I can manage four or five other people if they are family, but all my friendships have been one to one (always looking at girly nights out and thinking “Oh no, I just couldn’t cope with all that noise, too many conversations going on and I am missing out on the one’s I am not in’ etc etc), and all therapies have been one to one, so a crowd of nine of us is tough.
Can I continue?
Sure I can.
Will I continue?
Sure I will.
And one thing’s for sure, starting my new counselling course tomorrow will be easy compared to yesterday! The therapy, no doubt, will give me more courage in other areas, because it will make other things seem so easy. Plus, I sent an SMS a couple of days ago to a lady who was on the first counselling course in my class, and she is going to be there along with one other we know, so it will all be great. All I have to do is get up early and get there on time!
(I did get there on time, and I enjoyed it)