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Sandra Dean – Registered Member


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Good and bad, positive and negative in life right now and why certain lists can be very useful in life

July 2013 Charlie and Titus best photo

July 2013 Charlie and Titus best photo

I am having a think about my future, because I decided I was going to give a few things a last try before I was 40 – I thought about this when I was thirty two. Things like, Chris being my last go at a relationship that might end in marriage (that was seven years ago now), settling down (I am settled in a home but I am alone), maybe having children (I still do not have any) and being happy. Well, I feel like I still have itchy feet, due to my exciting ex life (a whole episode that seems to be like reading about a stranger now) and I feel like I need to do something now to ensure that my future will be bright; especially as I have suffered moderate to harsh mental illness, mental health problems, whatever you want to call them.

So, I went back to basics last night and made a list (something I stopped doing to try to curb many of my OCD traits) but I know they are definitely worth while as they are a way to really ‘see’ what is going on, so I can evaluate what I am thinking in a more balanced way. So, here’s my recent list of what has been stressing me (negative) and what is positive in my life… Bad/negatives

1. Dad’s bypass operation and process

2. Extra responsibility around dad and cats

3. Charlie, my foster cat, being poorly for so long and all the issues around getting him better and treated

4. Dad’s tribunal is coming up and I have a lot of input into it – I started it all, so I feel like I am going to put dad under stress on the two days of the tribunal, but he wants it too.

5. Chris (ex boyfriend) – he does what he wants now, comes and goes, the odd day out etc is all we have; very hard for me

6. Responsibility of paying all my bills (I know at 39 this should be normal, but for me, it just isn’t and I have always shied away from that kind of responsibility before, moving abroad, back to mum and dads, moving abroad etc…)

7. Sofa – Chris’s spillage of red wine ruined my new sofa (but hey ho it’s only a material object)

8. My youngest brother, his wife and my niece, have caused me a lot of stress and I no longer speak to them (further enhanced yesterday when he came round to see mum and dad when I was there – very awkward)

9. I do not speak to my middle brother, but it is always in the background as mum and dad speak about him and my youngest brother and they all visited my dad when he had his bypass operation)

10. Annoyance that all three brothers did little to help my dad get through his bypass operation despite not living that far away, and despite promises. A sole visit from each one, that was it!

11. Psychotherapy being offered to me is group analysis only! No choice. And I am stressed about group activity

12. Struggles with the NHS to get help for many years and still have no appointment confirmed to see my psychiatrist since January (when I waited a whole year on meds to see him then!), but then it’s only about ten minutes when I do, so hey ho

13. Neighbour’s parking in the way of me getting out of my drive. I told them nicely tonight when I saw them outside, since it has been annoying me for many weeks, and she just shut the door on me – rude!

14. I get bored and do not do ‘bored’ well and I do not like change, especially when it is out of my control.

15. I get lonely as I am a sociable person but seem to have lost the ability to make a social life (working on this)

16. I do more driving now = more stress

17. Depression, IBS and stress making me feel bad again

18. My launch of ‘39’ not doing as well as I had hoped (shouldn’t say this, but not many downloads thus far)

19. Empathising too much with my cats and everything/everyone around me

20. I have stuff everywhere in the house – to sell – making a mess.

21. Mum and dad is a generally unhappy marriage I am privy to all of the time (mum being abusive)

22. My landlord never replying to my questions

Good/positives

1. I am in a nice house and am settled

2. I have two very lovely reviews for ‘39’ and ‘My Alien Self’ has over 50 4/5* reviews – I am very grateful indeed!

3. I have a cat and kitten

4. I get out much more than I did, interacting with people, learning and feeling much more free than I did a while back

5. I have all the furniture I need

6. I see dad more and have re-built my relationship with him

7. Social media friends are great to chat to and share with

8. I have a friend who is coming back to live my way, which is great since many left the area or country a long time ago

9. Counselling college course all ready to start in September

10. My psychotherapy (group analysis) is organised for 18 months, so that is a commitment from the NHS and I know in my heart that group activity will be good for me

11. Can do as I like with my life (money allowing) as I do not have many commitments and no children

12. Have a lot of skills now (jack of all trades as per LOL)

13. My mental health is much better than it used to be, albeit still restricting

14. I have my health in many other ways, physically, despite just a few ailments, but nothing to complain about in the big picture!

15. I eat, drink and have a roof over my head every day

16. I have a car and freedom in that way at the moment

17. I have lost 10 pounds in weight – not through dieting or exercise mind, just through stress and being more busy and active, so I bought a dress today in size ‘small’ but it is a stretchy one! Ha ha I am still a size UK twelve and never wish to be skinny again!

If you have read through this, then firstly, thank you; making this list has really helped me to concentrate on the positives, but also understand the negatives, and why some things are ‘getting on top of me’ as I do not deal with ‘change’ or ‘boredom’ well.

Secondly, as I have said previously in my articles, I am considering ‘guest blogs’ on my site, so have a think about whether you could share something with people who might read my website, as it could well be useful to share!

Take care,

Amanda 🙂

 

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