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Sandra Dean – Registered Member


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Mood issues, looking after ourselves, May is BPD month, menopause, writing, animal therapy, and dealing with landlords and mental health

My tropical fish

My tropical fish

When I moved into the house where I currently live, the previous tenant got in after I moved in – he still had the key and had left stuff behind. It caused me a lot of stress and I felt unsafe for some time – not good when I have trust issues. Well, the landlord did nothing about it, and now he has threatened me with eviction for no reason. A total misunderstanding occurred last week which seemed to spiral out of control, but I have learnt to keep my mouth shut in future.

I am waiting to see what is going to happen, and keeping myself busy. I had wanted to talk about it in my group analysis therapy yesterday, but another lady was in a state and we needed to help her instead, which is totally fine. Thing is, her issues are so similar to mine, I felt physically sick and shaking during the session, as it is very hard to hear someone telling you about themselves and you can just see yourself in it, particularly when it is the self destructive side of her that I have. I too find myself happy and manage to destroy it quickly, like I feel I don’t deserve to be happy – like punishment for no reason. I too, am still impulsive, and that is also destructive. I still have anger issues, depression that comes and goes and a desire to stay in and hibernate from the world if I am not careful. I too have resentments left, mainly over men, and I need to deal with them. It made me feel sad actually and although I do not feel sorry for myself, I do feel sad for myself sometimes; just for the mess I have been in during my life.

I was convinced that I was going through the menopause, like my mum did at my age, but I got my results from the FSH test and they were 10 and 6.9 so I am still in the ‘normal’ category.  This also brought about thoughts and worries that I could still have a baby.  Another dilemma, even though I know I shouldn’t.

Stress has been playing out it’s old tricks on me – words and songs going on and on in my head, feeling a bit ‘removed’ from the real world at times, like I am watching everything around me as if I am in a TV looking out from the screen through my eyes (hope that makes sense LOL) and getting another dose of IBS and piles (Hemorrhoids). Of course, those piles always remind me of when I was raped,  which brings resentment, but I must forget about that.

So, what have I been doing to make things better?

Well, attending to my many potted plants outside. I do not have a garden, so decided to have pots instead. I now have about twenty three! (my addictive personality traits show themselves in many forms LOL).

I have been cooking for myself, which is something I haven’t been doing much of, and I have been eating better.

I have been watching films to keep me occupied, instead of sitting in silence.

I have been playing music instead of sitting in silence.

I have been playing with my pets – hamster (Molly), cat (Titus) and attending to my tropical fish, which all give me a little sense of responsibility. (If you like animals, then consider a pet, as they really are great therapy for mental illness – don’t forget to check out the rescue centres first)

I have been writing books and self publishing them!

I have been writing everything down I learn in my group about myself and keep plans of what I need to tackle next, so that I can further eradicate negatives in my mind and life. We were all telling the lady that she has been through so much that what she is left with is not as hard as what she has overcome. I wrote this down and realised that it was good advice for me too. I HAVE been through a lot and I have overcome a lot. I am strong, just like my Japanese tattoo depicts. I can do this.

Sometimes it seems like an ongoing battle and it is, but it is one worth fighting. I think, having written my memoirs and doing so much therapy and self realisation, that I had done enough and had certainly had enough, but it doesn’t work like that. I am so much better than I was at my worst, but a lot more has happened since then (adversities) that have been a major challenge (dad’s illnesses and hospital stays, my health scares, hormonal changes, medication changes and definitely the group therapy and so much more) so I have to take those things into account, and realise that I am not totally fixed at all. I am also not totally broken either now, so I will take the positives from this.

I smoke very few cigarettes now (less than 10 a week) as I cannot afford them anyway, but I am still drinking alcohol, which is something I monitor daily.

I have my bike at my house now, so I plan to ride that a bit and get fitter, as I did a twenty minute cycle the other day (up and down hill) and it took me about two hours to get over it. It really made me feel bad in my chest and legs.

So, all I hope now, most importantly, is that I can stay living here, as I have no idea where I will go if not. I have learnt the lesson that the roof over your head is the most important thing in life, and having just written a new book (fiction this time) about homeless in London, it is not a position I want to be in. Head above water!

Lastly, it is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) month in May, so I would love to hear your stories of BPD so that we could share them on here – just add them to the comments on this post!

Stay safe, stigma free and as happy as you can be! It may seem corny, but life really is too short, and it can be taken from us at anytime so let’s try to live it the best way we can for ourselves and others 🙂

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3 comments to Mood issues, looking after ourselves, May is BPD month, menopause, writing, animal therapy, and dealing with landlords and mental health

  • amandagreenauthor

    Oh I forgot, I am also doing my second year in my counselling course and loving it! Sadly, it finishes in May, so I will miss that, but I will just have to think about what else to do in its place 🙂

  • Helga

    Hi Amanda,
    Wow you are amazing! That story just went from the depths of despair to full of hope, I really admire your writing, and will look forward to reading more of your work.
    Thank you for being inspirational!
    H
    P.S you might have just convinced me to get a gerbil!!

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