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Sandra Dean – Registered Member


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Nervous attack, panic attack, anxiety attack… Whatever you want to call it, I had one yesterday in group analysis – resentment, anger and depression

Have a cup of tea, and carry on!

Have a cup of tea, and carry on!

OK so I have very recently written about how group analysis (I am the patient) is helping me to build my resilience for my counselling group (learning to be a counsellor) and it is… Every week I hear shocking, sad, awful stories of true life events. Every week I can relate to many of them. Relating is good as it means I can empathise, but relating can also mean it is triggering for me, and sadly it has been.

I hadn’t spoken about myself for quite some time until yesterday, and each week I was going home with the burden of opened wounds in my mind and no one to talk to about them. So, as you all know by now, I write… I write it down and I post it on facebook, twitter or on my blog. Some things are not shared and I keep a private document about how things are affecting me, possible answers as to why they might be affecting me, and current issues. It helps a lot. But it doesn’t solve things. After all, if I could solve everything I wouldn’t even need to be in the group.

One thing I know is that it was a very stressful time trying to get this therapy. I wrote all about it on here at the time, but it took me a year to get this help. And by the time I got it I wasn’t ready anymore for it, I had gone past the point of looking for help, if that makes sense…

I cope. I cope with depressive moods. I cope with my anger and resentment. I cope with my mood swings. Do I? Well, my life is getting better all the time. I am not longer reliant on Chris for his time, and can keep myself busy all day and every day. That is a far cry from the needy, obsessive, clingy person who couldn’t face abandonment. So that is good.

I trust myself and like myself more.

But, I am still trying to stop floating along with no real sense of self worth or identity in this world; that, I do need to keep working on.

So, you can imagine how shocked I was when I found myself feeling suddenly sick and ill, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably yesterday in my group analysis. It was hard to breathe in between sobs. I could hear everyone’s concern for my welfare, but it was like I wasn’t connected to anyone in the room for a few minutes. Well, I kind of knew something was brewing as I have been getting IBS and those spasms in my belly, my breathing has been a little shallow occasionally, my concentration for reading has been poor and my dreams have been more and more nightmarish and scary. I was still shocked though.

I have had a thing about crying in front of anyone since I can remember at six years old and I will always hide it if I can (which is most of the time) but this, well this was one of those times when I couldn’t hide it – it was out of my control. I felt embarrassed and annoyed that it happened and that I may have looked like I was attention seeking, but of course I wasn’t. It reminded me that I am still pretty self conscious. OK not paranoid and psychotic like I was, but self conscious all the same. I need to work on that. Everyone on my course tells me I will make a great counsellor, so I must learn to listen and take compliments as truth, instead of just having my own ideas about being a failure.

Titus my cat, asleep

Titus my cat, asleep

To try to work out why I am still so angry and resentful, I made a list of everyone I feel that way about. It was surprisingly long! Eleven men and two women! I was shocked, but I guess it’s a start. Chris asked me if he was on the list, bless him, but of course he isn’t! He’s done good and bad, but not worthy of this list. On this list are people who have raped or abused me, or ripped me off, or have been damaging to me in some way and meant to do it. They are not people who have made mistakes, or who have a good heart.

And I need to find a way to make my peace with them inside of me; some sort of forgiveness, so that I can move on and stop harbouring all this anger.

I had stopped drinking heavily after the group, as I had found a way of dealing with what goes on in there; writing it all down. But yesterday, I found myself drinking everything i had in the house and had a desperate need for drugs, even though I haven’t taken any for many years. Luckily I didn’t have any and I feel much better again today.

So, I cope, yes I do, but seeing my mum be so horrid to my dad on a weekly basis and all my own issues, is wearing, and that jolly, happy persona I take on when I go to see them once a week or go to college, is wearing thin and was shown by my nervous attack yesterday (although I do have to add that by putting on that persona can be good as it gets me out of the house and if you act happy it does become a reality and I do have some lovely times with mum and dad too, and college of course). One of my brothers I do not speak to is trying to get back in my life too, and I don’t think that is a good idea, but I am feeling pressured by mum and dad to see him.

“We must keep ourselves in check all the time when it comes to mental illness”

Well that’s me right now. I apologise for not doing my BPD awareness month sharing of stories, but right now, I don’t think I can take in any more sadness or triggering stories. Hopefully, I will make up for that soon and I thank everyone for sending me their stories and blogs etc.

By the way, thank you to everyone who reads my memoirs and especially my blog – it means a lot that you all take the time to read what I have to say, it really does. Apart from you guys, I only really have group to share my true feelings and problems with –
it’s true 🙂

Take care,

Amanda 🙂 x

UPDATE: It is now the evening and I was forced to go out to the dentist at lunchtime (which, two years ago I would have just cancelled and stayed indoors hibernating, so that’s good!), and then that led to a mocha coffee treat, shopping for Chris’ presents (it’s his birthday on Saturday) and I haven’t long been in but already have a hotpot in the oven, birthday cake ready to bake (yep hoping it will be third time lucky as I am no baker!), I have college in the morning, meeting mum after for the afternoon and have all my presents organised as to what I am buying and where, then back home to meet Chris for the beginning of what should be a good weekend of trains, shopping, eating, walking and who knows what else! I am feeling so much better and it must be because I shared things yesterday in group and feel more positive – who knows really but I always like to find answers to everything LOL!  And if I didn’t have to go to the dentist the day would have been spent in bed, so all good. Happy weekend everyone! 🙂 x

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5 comments to Nervous attack, panic attack, anxiety attack… Whatever you want to call it, I had one yesterday in group analysis – resentment, anger and depression

  • Scarlett Flame

    Thanks for sending me this link Amanda, I am myself am at the clingy, psychotic stage still, I think. Well, I know and I can identify with the abandonment issues too. My moods are from fairly high ( never as good as I used to feel) and the lowest of the low. I began by taking it one hour at a time and am now on to one day at a time. Despite appearances, and the fact that people believe me to be this super confident individual, I am really not.

    Someone is trying to help me with this, so that I see what they see and not this hugely flawed individual. I hope your journey continues on an upward path.

    Scarlett xXx

    • amandagreenauthor

      Thank you for reading Scarlett 🙂 I am wondering if you have a diagnosis?
      I too have the issue that most people think I am confident and bubbly and chatty, but the great thing about that is that although it might be covering sadness or pain, when we act like that it can have a very positive effect on our personality and wellbeing. I am glad to hear that you are getting help to recognise those positive traits so that you can concentrate on those as we can concentrate too much on our negative side and feel like we are unworthy etc when we are not. I don’t always practice what I preach (as many people don’t LOL) but it is true that if we look to positives in our lives there are very often many of them – we just are not always equipped to see them, especially if in a cloud of depression but it doesn’t have to be like that. I have honestly made such a great recovery from how I was, and I am left questioning whether the last eight months in group analytical psychotherapy has been positive for me. I have gone down hill in order to, hopefully, climb up higher in the end, but I need to think about this a bit longer.
      Thanks for your comments and I wish you all the best Scarlett XXX

  • Helga

    Hello Amanda,
    Thank you for this blog. I’m sorry you have had a tough time, but you seem to be dealing with it well. I am having a (relatively) good week, maybe not particuarly positive, but kind of neutral, which I quite like in a way, brings me back to Buddhist type teachings of ‘just being’. I thought I would share with you a book called ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, quite a famous book – you’ve probably heard of it or even read it. I got it on free download with audible.co.uk via amazon with 30 day trial, and it’s the first time I’ve listened to an audio book. The author actually reads it himself. It’s a take on mindfulness and other philosophies, sort of processed by the author and put into slightly different contexts. He talks about some of the things you mentioned above, like self-identity and forgiveness, and that’s why I thought to tell you about it. This book I suppose aims to teach you to accept yourself without judgement etc. amongst other things. I couldn’t comment on any lasting effect it has had on me as I only finished the book last night, but it felt to me like one of those books that you might one day look back and realise it has had an effect, like once I read/listened to Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ then forgot about it then a few months later realised I had lost a lot of weight!!

    I did have one reflection about myself after the book, I realised I have been labelling and defining myself with various terms like ‘mentally ill’, ‘dysfunctional’ and quite a few other negative words. I instantly thought, I need to shrink these, these do not define me. I’ts a bit ambitious to think I can get rid of them completely overnight, but I can at least visually shrink them, make them a small part of me for now rather than the whole of me or even bigger than me sometimes. So this is a double edged sword really, on one hand it’s great to relate to others with mental health problems and to understand your condition, but also it is important to not relate yourself compeltely to such labels or it just strengthens and feeds that identity and it can consume you. This kind of theory is not really new to me, but I think it’s the first time I felt it internally.
    Helga x

    • amandagreenauthor

      Hi Helga, thank you for your response and the book recommendation! It sounds perfect for me and as I am finding it hard to concentrate on reading books at the moment, perhaps the audio would be better.

      I label myself too, on the outside, but internally I tell myself I am getting a lot better and can be quite positive, but I will keep a check on that to make sure I am not ‘telling myself’ both things. It may contribute to my lack of identity – some very interesting thoughts there Helga!

      Hope you are having a great day!

      Amanda 🙂 x

  • amandagreenauthor

    UPDATE: It is now the evening and I was forced to go out to the dentist at lunchtime (which, two years ago I would have just cancelled and stayed indoors hibernating, so that’s good!), and then that led to a mocha coffee treat, shopping for Chris’ presents (it’s his birthday on Saturday) and I haven’t long been in but already have a hotpot in the oven, birthday cake ready to bake (yep hoping it will be third time lucky as I am no baker!), I have college in the morning, meeting mum after for the afternoon and have all my presents organised as to what I am buying and where, then back home to meet Chris for the beginning of what should be a good weekend of trains, shopping, eating, walking and who knows what else! I am feeling so much better and it must be because I shared things yesterday in group and feel more positive – who knows really but I always like to find answers to everything LOL! And if I didn’t have to go to the dentist the day would have been spent in bed, so all good. Happy weekend everyone! 🙂 x

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