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Sandra Dean – Registered Member


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Grieving before death – losing mum to Dementia and grieving whilst she is still alive

mum and dad

mum and dad 2007

I realised, lately, that I am grieving my mum’s death, yet she is still here, alive and local to me. She has vascular dementia and so is not the same person she was before. I am grieving the loss of her as she was, yet also feeling sorry that her suffering continues, in her confused, upsetting, isolating world in her head, and double incontinence.

I speak to the care home with my concerns, and talk about her, without emotion, as if she is just a person I care about, but not my mum. It is strange to talk about her in that way, but it’s a coping mechanism. Then, later on, the emotion hits me, and I cry.

I am triggered by things. The other day I popped out to a local shop and they played ‘Downtown’ by Petula Clarke on the radio. I was wiping tears away as I got to the shop.

I do visit her regularly, but sometimes I just cannot face it, then I feel guilty and sad. Maybe I could put a smile on her face, or take my cat, Titus, there to brighten her up, but what I might find on visits scares me now, as she deteriorates weekly.

I just find it bizarre to grieve, yet still go to see her. She is there in person, albeit a much smaller person than she was, and she does still recognise me most of the time, but she can tell me she loves me one minute and call me a pig and push me the next, then cry the next and tell me she doesn’t want to live anymore.

My relationship with my mum was rocky at the best of times. But she was my mum and did what she could with all her mental health issues in the mix. She showed her love by buying me things. We went shopping together. We went for countless lunches together. We went to pubs sometimes. We went for walks and talks. We shared some lovely memories. She always loved to show me off. ‘This is my daughter’ she’d smile.

I write this, not for sympathy, but just because I know many of you out there have been, or still are, in similar situations.

Dementia sucks. My mum’s schizophrenia sucked, but her Dementia is much worse, and at such a vulnerable age, we all know we are just waiting for the inevitable; the only way out of the nightmare that is Dementia for those who have it. And a relief, as such, for those who watch their loved ones go through it.

Happy Christmas everyone – look after you and yours. And if you are going through a hard time right now, let me send you a virtual hug. It can be especially difficult to deal with loss at Christmas time. X

photo collage

photo collage

mum, dad and I

mum, dad and I

Me in the pushchair

Me in the pushchair

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I want to introduce the wonderful work of Kyrenia Animal Rescue (KAR), a huge centre for dogs and cats abandoned, abused, injured or sick, near Kyrenia, in North Cyprus

I want to introduce the wonderful work of Kyrenia Animal Rescue (KAR), a huge centre for dogs and cats

Kyrenia Animal Rescue Centre, North Cyprus

Kyrenia Animal Rescue Centre, North Cyprus

abandoned, abused, injured or sick, near Kyrenia, in North Cyprus.

They have numerous cats and up to 400 dogs at any one time, currently at 250 dogs when we visited yesterday. It’s a donation run charity and relies on people’s generosity and kindness to keep running, the same as many others, and they do a fine job! The

kennels are clean, cat

pens clean, the animals

very well looked after and it’s a wonderful place to visit.

Sadly, a bout of Distemper has been brought into the centre (probably via abandoned animals left outside the shelter) which has been devasting and fatal for many dogs as it broke out so quickly. They are on top of the outbreak now; some dogs currently are being held in quarantine. The rest look good, but the dog side of the centre is still in lockdown to be safe.

The centre encourages volunteers to come up and walk the dogs in the beautiful five finger mountain range,

where the centre is located, and this has brought joy to the dogs and many visitors, either living there or on holiday. We were not able to do this because of the lockdown, BUT we did visit the cat pens, full of beautiful cats and a special little kitten which I got to play with 😊

Sadly, because there are SO MANY stray cats and dogs in North Cyprus, (I have never seen so many) it is hard to re-home the animals, and once they are past their puppy or kitten stage, it’s nigh on impossible. I so wanted to adopt a couple and bring them back to the UK, but I have no room for more animals at this time.

Could you donate?

Or could you sponsor a dog?

Check out their website here http://www.kartrnc.org/ (the ‘about’ page tells you all they have done since opening, and there’s info on sponsorship and lots more)

If you can spare a few pounds, please go to their Go Fund Me page and donate. X

https://www.gofundme.com/help-us-stamp-out-distemper

Their facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KyreniaAnimalRescuekar/

I really feel this a very worthwhile cause – thank you X

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10 things to be grateful for every day – a positive exercise for the mind

Here’s something to ask yourself each day for as long as you wish. It will help create positive thoughts, and help you

Think Different

Think Different

to feel good in the moment…

Each day, think of 10 things you are grateful for; even the smallest of things you wouldn’t usually think about. That’s it.

To get you going, mine today are:

  1. Grateful I can stay indoors to recover from my cold and chest infection
  2. Grateful I have a warm home, while it’s snowing outside and freezing
  3. Grateful I have plenty of food to eat
  4. Grateful for the company of my two cats
  5. Grateful I have drinkable running water and hot drinks
  6. Grateful for the phone call from my dad to see how I am
  7. Grateful for the phone call from my friend, asking how I am and if I need anything
  8. Grateful that I have time to do some reading today
  9. Grateful for my freedom
  10. Grateful for my inner strength

…….Continue reading 10 things to be grateful for every day – a positive exercise for the mind…

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So here goes a life – mum, dad, myself, mental illness and forward we go in change

This post follows on from this one MUM – FROM SCHIZOPHRENIA TO DEMENTIA IN 60 YEARS (click the link to open it in a new window)

So, here goes a life, trashed from her twenties, double trashed from her eighties. Some would say it’s a great thing to

mum and dad June 2017 at the carvery enjoying a nice dessert, how quickly things can change

mum and dad June 2017 at the carvery enjoying a nice dessert, how quickly things can change

live until your eighties, but is it really, when you’ve been tormented by mental health issues all your life and then you go and get Vascular Dementia and all sorts of other ailments? I am not her, just her daughter, and I can only see it through my eyes, as she wouldn’t talk about mental illness when compos mentis, and now finds it difficult through her dementia. She cries and says she cannot look forward, and is basically depressed, talking about being ‘laid down’ to rest. I know she won’t live forever now, despite her good physical health throughout her life, because if the brain goes, the physical health goes with it, because of the lack of eating, and how everything slows down. So, tonight, I thought I might write about it. Perhaps cathartic for me, and useful or interesting for my readers. For I am one in millions who will go through this kind of situation in the world.

Mum went into a care home on Sunday, directly from hospital. Dad called 999 Wednesday when mum fell in the lounge in the early hours of the morning (the second of two falls in two weeks), and she went into A&E. Constipation …….Continue reading So here goes a life – mum, dad, myself, mental illness and forward we go in change…

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*** Delighted to announce my debut novel, ‘Dirty Laundry’ paperback and ebook is LIVE!

Dirty laundry book cover

Dirty laundry book cover

*** Delighted to announce my debut novel, ‘Dirty Laundry’ paperback and kindle ebook is LIVE! ***

Circle of Books 5* review badge for 'Dirty Laundry'

Circle of Books 5* review badge for ‘Dirty Laundry’

BUY ON AMAZON HERE
Dirty Laundry

Fun, quirky and dark…

Support local authors!

I was interviewed on BBC Essex radio by Tony Fisher on Monday 4th December  Hope you can listen in and that you enjoy the story as much as I did writing it x CLICK HERE TO GO TO BBC RADIO LINK, AND GO TO 2.11 TO FIND MY INTERVIEW!

DESCRIPTION: Beckley Laundry is more than just a laundry business… 

Run by the effervescent manager, Sandra, and her feisty team of girls, the launderette becomes a place where more …….Continue reading *** Delighted to announce my debut novel, ‘Dirty Laundry’ paperback and ebook is LIVE!…

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My new release is FREE for a few days just in time for Halloween. Dark drama, psychological thriller short story collection

Book cover for 'Through Their Eyes' by Amanda Green

Book cover for ‘Through Their Eyes’ by Amanda Green

My new release is FREE for a few days just in time for Halloween. Dark drama, psychological thriller short story collection. Enjoy, and please leave a review if you can 🙂

Get it on AMAZON HERE

Get it on AMAZON UK HERE 

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