I was deeply moved by a blog post I read lately, from a woman reminiscing about a scene from her childhood (a bit like the one from my book, where I visit the psychiatric hospital age six, to see my mum). It read very easily due to her ability to put her thoughts into words that I could ‘feel’. I could empathise with her. This particular blog post was very poignant to me, because I felt very afraid and confused as a child as well.
I had OCD and anxiety traits from a very young age. I felt lost. And the abuse I saw from my mother to father was partly to do with that, together with my mums very sad, lonely existence with catatonic schizophrenia, in and out of hospital. I loved and hated her at the same time. I felt a similar way about one of my brothers, who physically and mentally bullied me during those early years.
When I think about myself as a child, it is like that little innocent girl is a stranger now. I want to go back to comfort her and help her through her troubles. Yet, at the same time, although that child is long gone, when I really think about it I feel I may well hold her inside me as well.
When I am happy, in particular, it is like I become a child again and maybe I am being ‘her’ again in order to give her happiness.
One of my brothers, much older than me, still acts like a child at certain times, particularly when he is stressed – he has to muck about and be naughty and annoying! I have, in the past, summarised that he does it because of his having to be childish and entertaining for my mum – to cheer her up, as I also did and still do. We were both expected to do that since we were children, unlike my other two brothers, so it seemed logical that he still holds his childish ways because of that – and maybe me too. But when I read that blog post and thought about myself as a child again, I noticed now it might well be that I really am still carrying her around with me, entertaining her when I can. Maybe it’s why I never wanted to grow up, and why I find too much responsibility a big problem in my life, even now. Maybe, just maybe, when something good happens, she comes out to enjoy it? mmmm.
When I find myself, at 39 years old, jumping round the room singing ‘la la la’, when something good has happened or doing forward rolls on the bed if my back allows it, I guess it might be like I am being a happy ‘her’. I have not even thought about this as a reason before for being such an irresponsible and excitable child at times – definitely food for thought though!
It might well just be a ‘coping mechanism’ or maybe I am just like many other adults who also let their inner child out regularly! I mean, I know many do – it helps us to be less uptight after all!
Hope that makes sense!
What do you think? A profound question huh!
Now Kimmie’s blog post I was talking about is here – do check her blog out, I find it really interesting, helpful and well written and she’s a lovely lady CLICK HERE TO OPEN HER BLOG IN A NEW WINDOW