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Sandra Dean – Registered Member


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The only green eyes in my life now are my cat’s!

Jealousy – there’s nothing nice about it. Not for the jealous person, nor for the

Titus my cat in the sink

Titus my cat in the sink

recipient.

I have been jealous. I have felt the rage wanting to erupt from my insides. I have even been incapable of covering it up with some people in my past. It has wrecked friendships and made me look completely self centred. But then, I probably was at the time.

However, it has just occurred to me that I no longer suffer with the green eyed monster bubbling away inside of my being. Why? Well, I had to think about that a little, and discuss it too, to clarify my thoughts…

Having dealt with many of my inner demons of mood swings, depression, anger, resentment and more, I began working on self esteem and confidence. That is not confidence that would make me big headed, just confidence to be who I am, respect myself for who I am, and to trust myself again. I have managed a lot of that. And it seems that, without even realising it, any jealousy I had has gone by the by with my self resenting, self destructive self.

So, it seems to me, that in my case, my jealousy came about because I wasn’t happy in my own skin. My jealousy may have risen because someone was going on holiday, having good luck or falling in love, for example, and the pang of jealousy which of course at times led to guilt (another horrid feeling) could be crushing. But in actual fact, it wasn’t the things they had or were going to do that I was jealous of really – it was the fact that those thing made them happy, because the person, in my eyes, was indeed happy. I was, I believe, actually jealous of their happiness.

I could have had the holiday, the good luck, the love, but it wouldn’t have worked for me, as I wasn’t in the right place in my head for those things to make me happy. I have been on holidays where I have been internally miserable. I have been shown love and it hasn’t permeated to my heart. I have had good luck, but it gave me only short term enjoyment.

I NEEDED TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY by being comfortable with ‘myself’ as a person, and thus allowing others to be more comfortable with me.

I needed to stop blaming everything and everyone, but myself, for how I felt.

I needed to stop blaming everything and everyone, but myself, for how things went wrong (even if it was just my perception of the event)

I needed to take ownership of my own freedom to change.

I needed to come out of denial that everything and everyone was to blame for my unhappiness, but me… Because the only thing I could change was me – not other people, nor events. It was how I reacted to, felt about and accepted others and my problems, that would get me out of the turmoil of blame, unhappiness and lack of self worth and identity.

I have, over the past few years, tackled these issues, and am at peace with myself, and able to self analyse naturally. This is great of course, since I am now a practising counsellor, but it will never stop. It is important to keep a close eye on myself, to ensure I am doing my best as a counsellor.

I am no longer jealous of anyone or anything, as far as I know…

It was a wonderful feeling two days ago, whilst on holiday, that I made this realisation whilst driving along, relaxed, and was another reminder of how all my hard work to sort myself out and recover from my internal issues, was worth it.

And I didn’t even need to tackle jealousy as a side issue – sorting out my inner self fixed that problem without me even realising.

When people are having good luck, are going on holiday, have something new that I might like myself, or are feeling really happy, I am, without even thinking about it, just very happy for them.

That is a nice place to be 🙂

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4 comments to The only green eyes in my life now are my cat’s!

  • Icy Sedgwick

    Aw that’s wonderful that all your hard work has paid off. I hope life continues to treat you well!

  • David Prosser

    It’s a lovely place to be Amanda and well done you for getting yourself there. The hardest thing in the world is changing yourself but you seem to have recognised within yourself a need to change and just went ahead and did it. I have to say you’re the first person I know ever to have made such a significant change.
    Now you’ve learned to love yourself, I hope you’ll find it easier to accept that others love you too. Go on, be happy.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    • amandagreenauthor

      Thank you David – yes I have made huge changes and continue to work hard to continue making my life better! I have been blessed by having the time to work on myself and the strength to fight. Yes I do accept others’ love now too and it’s lovely. I hope you are doing well David 🙂 xx

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