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Sandra Dean – Registered Member


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This blog may surprise you – Mental health, mental illness, BPD, depression, Citalopram, sex, recovery and relationships

If you don’t want to read about my mental health improvements, then just read the second half of this blog; it might surprise you…

Anyone who has read my books, been friends with me or followed my blog posts/facebook or twitter account, will know just how much I have improved my mental health over the past few years.  If you don’t, CLICK HERE for a snippet of what I was like in 2009. I had many debilitating effects from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), OCD, anxiety, paranoia and depression.

I have improved no end since then, but I have already written about all that before, so I am going to concentrate on the past year alone and where I still need to improve.

For me, I need to be more responsible for myself and less impulsive with drinking and spending so that I can do my counselling course to the best of my abilities and pay my bills and have better health.

I have been in group psychoanalytic therapy for a year now, and am just about to start my third year as a BACP counselling student. After six weeks away from my group therapy, I went back on Wednesday to a great session. The therapist told me that I have come a long way since she met me and that the issues I had over the summer were a few blips. So, I am thinking of major improvements just during the one year in group, like:

  • I have been having ‘days off drinking’ – I was regaining some willpower over that.
  • I got to group sessions in the last year
  • My time keeping was getting better
  • I got to my counselling studies at college last year, did all my homework and passed the course
  • I am much less angry
  • Less anger = less self-destructive behaviours
  • I have been eating more regularly
  • I have been taking responsibility and looking after my cat, hamster and tropical fish really well.
  • And more!

SO, if I can do all of the above again, and on top:

  • Have more days off drinking
  • Increase my willpower and decrease impulsive behaviours
  • Even better time keeping
  • Keep up with the harder level counselling course (level 4)
  • Eat even better and more regularly
  • Go to bed earlier at more regular times and get up earlier – routine every day
  • Start to exercise – I have a bike!

Now for the surprising bit. Well, I say surprising, but in all honesty, I could see it coming…

When I split up with a previous boyfriend many years ago, I kept in touch on the odd occasion via text message. In one text he said something poignant. He apparently missed my moods, unpredictability and well sex, because our relationship was built upon that in the first place. He said that his girlfriend was boring, as she was just ‘normal’. Now he and I had issues when together, for many reasons, but he felt the wrath of my tongue on many occasions and I was in a mess, mentally, at the time. But, he still missed that unpredictability…

I was reminded of this a few nights ago, when having a serious chat with Chris on the phone. He and I do not have a proper relationship any more yet still see each other because we are very close – it has been eight years after all! I called for the chat because he has been so fed up lately about having to spend all his weekends with me. I compromised a few months ago and suggested we see each other at weekends only and he can have the week to himself either at his home or seeing whoever he likes without issue from me. It was working… but still not enough. He wants his freedom. “I’m fifty eight years old” he says. Well, yes, and I am forty years old, so what? He’s was married for 20 years, I have never been, so what? So what to all of it. The only thing worth thinking about here is the present and the future.

The other reason is that on many occasions he predicts I am going to cause trouble, when I am not. It is ingrained in him to walk on eggshells still, at times, and pre-empt my reactions when events occur. Thing is, I am a lot better now, and do not react badly like I used to, most of the time. He actually causes arguments and makes me react sometimes, just because he is almost goading me to.

So, he starts comparing himself to my ex as above, and said that he knew how he must feel because although I am better and that is a good thing, he misses the impulsive, unpredictable me. He preferred me, it seems, as a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) nymph even with the problems!

I think they get used to the anger, aggression and impulsiveness. Either that or it’s just that the sex was so good that it was worth all the shit. Who knows… but, obviously, I am not as interesting as I was. That was hard to hear. OK my sex drive is at zero, most likely because of the Citalopram (a common side effect) but which is better?

I must admit that when I began taking medications for my mental health my fears were that I would become boring, lose my personality and sex drive. Mmm… After all, it was my mental health issues and impulsiveness that drove me to experience so many things in life at times, like travelling round the world, trying different jobs, adrenalin sports, learning so many new things and then some.

So, all I can say about this right now is… “You cannot have it all!” 🙂

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3 comments to This blog may surprise you – Mental health, mental illness, BPD, depression, Citalopram, sex, recovery and relationships

  • Mark Osterloh, MD, JD, RPh

    Borderline Personality Disorder is the most difficult to understand and diagnose mental illnesses. As a consequence there is little awareness of its existence in the general public. If there were greater awareness, more resources would be brought to the table to help these people. I believe the biggest problem is its name. “Borderline” means nothing in helping us understand the condition. I have proposed that we change the name to Faultfinding Personality Disorder based on the most important diagnostic criterion – chronic finding of fault with themselves and others due to their black-and-white thinking which leads to disturbed interpersonal relationships. To back this up I wrote the book “Faultfinders: The impact of borderline personality disorder.” I explained the condition using examples of numerous famous people to make the symptoms memorable. I would be interested to hear what others think about a possible name change.

  • J. Marie

    This is a lovely post. So honest and true. I agree that medications do change things. They have for me. In time getting used them. We, with mental challenges must open our minds to different ways of leading our life and find those who love us and accept us as we are. Great work. Much love.

    Jess

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