Amanda Green – author of memoirs, self-help, dark fiction, Psychological short stories and women’s fiction, BACP Counsellor and mental health anti-stigma campaigner
My name is Amanda Green (pen name). I was born and live in England, UK, and I set up this website and wrote two memoirs and one self-help book to share with my readers the stories of my issues with mental illness, therapy and recovery. I also write thought provoking, inspiring fiction including drama and women’s fiction, plus dark short story collections including psychological thrillers.
I regularly post blogs about mental health coping strategies, writing and inspirational things to do, but this site contains so much more. I hope you enjoy looking around.
I am also a BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) qualified Counsellor, and am humbled by my work with clients. I can help with many issues, but specialise in dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder.
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I recently wrote a blog post about the expectations we personally have of others’, events and ourselves. (click HERE to read it) Today, I want to talk about how to deal with the expectations other people have of us.
We can control our own expectations, but we cannot control what other people expect of us, whether personally, in work, or strangers.
We need to fit in, so we do need to behave with certain restraints generally; abiding by laws, social systems and etiquette etc. If we do not, we might end up in prison or are disliked or even isolated by other people’. Some things really matter, others do not as much. We have to use our own judgments as to what expectations we will or will not fulfil. Sometimes, even though we try, we cannot always fulfil them anyway, and then what? Best ourselves up? Apologise? How important it is and how we impact on other people are the key things to think about.
So, let’s break it down…
Personal expectations. This could be from friends, a partner, a family member etc. These are people who we care about; we care about their opinions, or at least their opinions affect us in some way emotionally.
Our parents may expect us to go to University and become a Doctor for example.
Friends expect us to be on time when we meet, or not to cancel last minute continually.
Our partner might expect to share the jobs involved in keeping the home paid for and clean. Are we doing our bit, or are they expecting too much or more than we can give?
Even the most relaxed people have expectations – it’s human nature. Whether it’s expecting the weather to be as the forecast predicts, that our parents or siblings will be a certain way as family members, or that our job will be secure in the future. From the small stuff to the big stuff, we have expectations and that is fine and dandy. However, it can become problematic to us if our expectations are (all too often) not met, and our disappointment leads to negative emotions such as sadness or anger. But some of this can be avoided if we tweak what we expect and how to expect it.
There are different categories in which we can place our expectations.
Expectations of others’ emotionally close to us
Expectations of others’ not emotionally close to us
Expectations of nature
Expectations of self
Expectations of others’ emotionally close to us incorporates friends, family or partners and often has the most impact on us if our expectations are not met. This is because our emotions can be more easily triggered, and we are out of control of what is happening.
We like to be in control. I don’t mean controlling people, as that is another matter entirely. I mean generally in control of what is happening if it impacts on us. So, if someone close to us is doing something that hurts us or disappoints us, we want to get control of the situation, so the person behaves or does things in the way we think they should. But this is just not possible unless we become controlling, so we need to either accept what the person is doing or not doing, talk to them to find out why they are doing what they are doing and explain how it is impacting on us, or just suffer the effects, helplessly.
I realised, lately, that I am grieving my mum’s death, yet she is still here, alive and local to me. She has vascular dementia and so is not the same person she was before. I am grieving the loss of her as she was, yet also feeling sorry that her suffering continues, in her confused, upsetting, isolating world in her head, and double incontinence.
I speak to the care home with my concerns, and talk about her, without emotion, as if she is just a person I care about, but not my mum. It is strange to talk about her in that way, but it’s a coping mechanism. Then, later on, the emotion hits me, and I cry.
I am triggered by things. The other day I popped out to a local shop and they played ‘Downtown’ by Petula Clarke on the radio. I was wiping tears away as I got to the shop.
I do visit her regularly, but sometimes I just cannot face it, then I feel guilty and sad. Maybe I could put a smile on her face, or take my cat, Titus, there to brighten her up, but what I might find on visits scares me now, as she deteriorates weekly.
I just find it bizarre to grieve, yet still go to see her. She is there in person, albeit a much smaller person than she was, and she does still recognise me most of the time, but she can tell me she loves me one minute and call me a pig and push me the next, then cry the next and tell me she doesn’t want to live anymore.
My relationship with my mum was rocky at the best of times. But she was my mum and did what she could with all her mental health issues in the mix. She showed her love by buying me things. We went shopping together. We went for countless lunches together. We went to pubs sometimes. We went for walks and talks. We shared some lovely memories. She always loved to show me off. ‘This is my daughter’ she’d smile.
I write this, not for sympathy, but just because I know many of you out there have been, or still are, in similar situations.
Dementia sucks. My mum’s schizophrenia sucked, but her Dementia is much worse, and at such a vulnerable age, we all know we are just waiting for the inevitable; the only way out of the nightmare that is Dementia for those who have it. And a relief, as such, for those who watch their loved ones go through it.
Happy Christmas everyone – look after you and yours. And if you are going through a hard time right now, let me send you a virtual hug. It can be especially difficult to deal with loss at Christmas time. X
I want to introduce the wonderful work of Kyrenia Animal Rescue (KAR), a huge centre for dogs and cats
Kyrenia Animal Rescue Centre, North Cyprus
abandoned, abused, injured or sick, near Kyrenia, in North Cyprus.
They have numerous cats and up to 400 dogs at any one time, currently at 250 dogs when we visited yesterday. It’s a donation run charity and relies on people’s generosity and kindness to keep running, the same as many others, and they do a fine job! The
kennels are clean, cat
pens clean, the animals
very well looked after and it’s a wonderful place to visit.
Sadly, a bout of Distemper has been brought into the centre (probably via abandoned animals left outside the shelter) which has been devasting and fatal for many dogs as it broke out so quickly. They are on top of the outbreak now; some dogs currently are being held in quarantine. The rest look good, but the dog side of the centre is still in lockdown to be safe.
The centre encourages volunteers to come up and walk the dogs in the beautiful five finger mountain range,
where the centre is located, and this has brought joy to the dogs and many visitors, either living there or on holiday. We were not able to do this because of the lockdown, BUT we did visit the cat pens, full of beautiful cats and a special little kitten which I got to play with 😊
Sadly, because there are SO MANY stray cats and dogs in North Cyprus, (I have never seen so many) it is hard to re-home the animals, and once they are past their puppy or kitten stage, it’s nigh on impossible. I so wanted to adopt a couple and bring them back to the UK, but I have no room for more animals at this time.
Could you donate?
Or could you sponsor a dog?
Check out their website here http://www.kartrnc.org/ (the ‘about’ page tells you all they have done since opening, and there’s info on sponsorship and lots more)
If you can spare a few pounds, please go to their Go Fund Me page and donate. X
So, here goes a life, trashed from her twenties, double trashed from her eighties. Some would say it’s a great thing to
mum and dad June 2017 at the carvery enjoying a nice dessert, how quickly things can change
live until your eighties, but is it really, when you’ve been tormented by mental health issues all your life and then you go and get Vascular Dementia and all sorts of other ailments? I am not her, just her daughter, and I can only see it through my eyes, as she wouldn’t talk about mental illness when compos mentis, and now finds it difficult through her dementia. She cries and says she cannot look forward, and is basically depressed, talking about being ‘laid down’ to rest. I know she won’t live forever now, despite her good physical health throughout her life, because if the brain goes, the physical health goes with it, because of the lack of eating, and how everything slows down. So, tonight, I thought I might write about it. Perhaps cathartic for me, and useful or interesting for my readers. For I am one in millions who will go through this kind of situation in the world.
