Amanda Green – author of memoirs, self-help, dark fiction, Psychological short stories and women’s fiction, BACP Counsellor and mental health anti-stigma campaigner
I have found myself saying to people how I look forward to Christmas being over. Then, today, I realised this was terribly negative and unhelpful. It’s just that I have been feeling a bit lonely and alone in my troubles. Oh yes, I might be a counsellor, but of course we all have troubles!
THEN, I went to see friends, pondered a few things, got out swimming at my local pool, and recognised a few things.
Firstly, I broke up with Michael three months ago, and while I think it’s for the best, I have been in denial, still seeing him from time to time. But, there are too many feelings still there, so although friendship sounds amazing, it is not possible. Over ten years we were together, as such.
I’ve also been busy getting my Counselling Diploma finished and setting up as a counsellor from home. I love counselling and marketing, so it’s been a dream to do.
I’ve also written and published two books in the last three months, albeit shorts, to keep myself motivated, and oh my gosh a whole new genre has been written! Psychological thrillers. I love it.
So, you might think I haven’t been wallowing, but oh my I have! I can be busy and still wallow. But, it’s selfish, and so is wishing the time away – something I never do.
I have been reading a little about Existential Theory and the philosophy of it, plus the whole concept of being genuine and a more authentic self. I find it fascinating and we can all gain something from it, so I have chosen to outline the highlights I find particularly interesting. Do not be put off by the harshness of the subjects – if we can understand and embrace the realities of life, we can become a more rounded, fulfilled person, rather than someone who hides in fear of reality. I feel that a lot of our pain is caused by our mere existence as below.
Death
This is probably the harshest of all. As soon as we are born we are on our way towards death. As a child, we find out at some point or another and our naivety is challenged. Many of us then spend our lives denying the reality of death, or hiding from it, or finding deeper meaning to life and our ‘passing on’ fuelled by religious beliefs. We find ways to cope with the reality. If we do embrace it, however, we can seek to enjoy our lives and be more at peace with the notion.
Then there is the anxiety caused by the idea and realities of those close to us dying. We experience these things at different ages and must find our own way to grieve, but what about just the idea that a person will die? If we think about that too much, it could be very negative, so we hide the fact by ignoring it, finding a faith that allows us to believe better things will happen once we pass on, or we get sad about it. Some people even plan for it. My own father felt that most important to him is that he leaves enough money behind him to pay for his own funeral and my mum’s. When I was younger, I couldn’t talk about death at all, or any planning or wills with my dad, but now, as they get older and older, I have had to face it – the reality of it.
We plan for other things in our lives – holidays, work, meeting friends – in fact we are constantly making plans, but plans around death, for many, are taboo.
Freedom, which comes with responsibility
Oh, how we love to have our ‘freedom’ in life. We are born as individuals and do have the freedom of living our lives as we wish to quite a large degree. Sounds great, doesn’t it? But, with that freedom comes responsibility; we must make our own decisions and choices, we must make our own lives seem worthwhile to us, we must make our lives continue and enjoy or suffer the consequences of our own choices and actions.
I have been researching the idea of being an ‘authentic self’ which is where we are true to ourselves and others, not covered up by our persona’s and fear of judgement from others’. This then led onto ‘authentic relationships’ which is where we have trustworthy, worthwhile, two-way relationships with people who do the same. Hard to come by sometimes nowadays, but the concepts are interesting and have fuelled me to strive towards both myself as they will save conflict, build trust, and make for better living. I do not feel either are totally achievable, but the ideas lead to some ways we can better ourselves and our relationships. One of the core things we need in life are good relationships and a good sense of self. I will be writing more about existential theory and our other needs in life soon, but until then, I shall share my learning and thoughts on being authentic first.
The ‘Authentic Self’
People pleasing, pretending to be nice, saying what we think people want to hear, amongst other things, are actually masking our authentic, true self. In this day-and-age, we tend to use ‘personas’ a lot where we act and communicate a certain way depending on who we are with. We might be more open and honest in a partner/marriage relationships than we do at work or with our family and we can end up having multiple personas, which is exhausting!
Do you use personas?
I am not saying their use is wrong. In fact, they can be helpful and self-protective in their nature, because we might keep with certain ethics with a person, or be politically correct with them. We might speak more clearly with people to make ourselves sound better, or pretend to be jolly and happy and successful when we are not. It is OK to be honest in the relationships that matter, so the goal is to decide which ones are important to you and work out how you can be more authentic with that person.
We spend our lives avoiding being judged by others’ but who are they to judge? We are all individuals and need to appreciate that we are all different. If we can be authentic then we can enjoy our own individuality and can grow as a person much more freely.
