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Psychoanalytical Group Therapy, Counselling at college, impulsive behaviours, alcohol and mental health, a bad few days for me

My Verbenas September 2014

My Verbenas September 2014

I got drunk Wednesday night (I did not want to be alone) and woke feeling horrendous Thursday morning – sore throat worse and I felt very run down. It was not a hangover, it was my brain. On waking I knew I didn’t want the day to even begin. I wanted it to be night time so I could go back to bed and wake up Friday. Sadly, I had to get through the day. I nearly blew out college which would have been a silly thing to do. I went.

I sat there in class thinking how at break time I will tell the tutor that I am not well and go home, to get out of doing the trio role play work. I did not feel capable of concentrating. I went to break, chatted with friends, got my confidence back and did role play, opting to be the ‘counsellor’ first. I didn’t do a bad job of it – definitely room for improvement, which we discussed as we always do, but considering it had been months since I had practised, it was not bad. Then the tutor told us that the finish date of February 2016 is incorrect and it would be June/July 2016. this lengthens the course and keeps work further away from me. I am also told that this diploma will not just get me a job anyway; often far more hours or a degree is required. It has taken me every bit of confidence I have to do each course each year and to get onto this course for year three, batting off constant thoughts of not being able to do it, not being good enough etc, I have. They said I would have to have ten sessions of private counselling therapy before I started placement, which upset my group therapy who believe I should have one or the other, not both. Then I was told that, because I am in therapy, I could do the ten sessions counselling next year. I do dislike lack of organisation and change – oh yes I do!

When I got home, I began drinking immediately, thinking about the ruin of my eight year relationship with Chris (yep it’s all going on here!) Then I heard a noise in the corner of the room. A mouse? I checked Molly was in her cage – she was. In short I began to panic and felt sick, got drunk and spent two hours moving my furniture and trying to engage Titus’ help with finding it. I know I love all creatures great and small, but I cannot bear the idea of something fast and small in my home. I became paranoid and sweaty very quickly. I was in a panic. I resorted to facebook for support and got the support I needed from a nice friend (I love social media!). I didn’t flee, I stayed and dealt with it. Then Titus got it and I demanded him out of the house (it was probably him who brought it in last night as there was some long dry grass at the top of the stairs as well) he went. I breathed. I cried. Then he came back in the cat flap again with it. I screamed. Luckily he went back out with it and I watched while he flung it about and ate it.

It made me feel sick. I felt guilty that the animal was eaten alive. I felt weak that my reaction was so awful to such a small thing. And then I remembered that this week has been awful. I wanted to give up my cat – it disgusted me.

What with an upsetting shock on Tuesday which I cannot go into and then my psychoanalytic group pulling back my coping mechanisms to expose the vulnerable me who doesn’t trust herself and fears homelessness due to her lack of responsibility for keeping a roof over her head, I felt awful. I have been impulsive for all my adult life, leaving jobs willy nilly, getting another job so easily (yes I can get them alright, it’s keeping them), being irresponsible and blasé about it. Yes I have a tonne of qualifications, yes I have had some managerial jobs, consultant jobs etc, but the longest I stayed in any one role is one and half years. I hate to admit it but it’s true. Sometimes it was out of my control, other times it was all in my control. That is why I have tried to work from home for so long doing holiday rentals, writing books and blog etc. I am very self motivated and almost a workaholic, but I just do not earn enough. They say I should leave my college course and get a job for one or two days per week – get back into it. Feed me to the lions why don’t you? There are a lot of positives in that idea but many negatives too. However, I do have to note that I am committed to a third and fourth year at college, so there is some positive commitment there, and I have had to get a loan for £2,200.00 to do it. Am I just biding time or do I really want to do it, that is what is being questioned here.

I sobbed in group as I unravelled these truths (my impulsivity and lack of responsibility for myself) as I like to concentrate on the positives and one day at a time because that has worked for me to keep me from feeling suicidal and extremely depressed and I have managed to build my self esteem.

I chatted to Chris about it all after declaring that I am leaving college and getting a job and he managed to talk me out of making a rash decision (my forte) and to think about it more.

Why is it just when I am confident in myself that I can take full control of my life and what I am doing, that the comfort blanket of those
thoughts and feelings gets ripped from me, leaving me exposed and weak?

Because that is life. And that is therapy. Especially group psychoanalytical therapy. It is there to help you analyse your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and to come to your own conclusions having got to the crux of the issues. Mine is my impulsive nature, which could still ruin me at any time. It simply must be dealt with. Could I even make a good counsellor? Be responsible for others? I’d like to think so, but… Part of me says yep just get back to work, do something you know and are good at and see how it goes…

So, I got through those few difficult days (just about) and I feel fine mentally again today despite a sore throat and head cold, and I am going to
have a ‘me’ day where I look after myself. I will also write a pros and cons list after my journal to get all these choices into perspective. It is hard to keep positive about myself and one of the biggest challenges of them all, but I am getting there and continue to fight for my self worth. Writing it all down in journals or blogs helps me a lot – it puts things into perspective.

Happy Weekend everyone – I hope it is filled with joy and laughter! (she says sneezing and blowing her nose LOL) I am going to use ‘sense mindfulness’ to brighten my day today 🙂 x

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2 comments to Psychoanalytical Group Therapy, Counselling at college, impulsive behaviours, alcohol and mental health, a bad few days for me

  • David P

    Amanda sweetie, you know that sometimes thing go wrong and come in clumps. Usually when that happens we go into a spiral and think everything is going wrong.
    I can tell you’re having a hard time and I’m really sorry but this time I think if you count all the positives you can avoid heading down that hill. I don’t keep alcohol in the house and haven’t had a drink in years. I don’t miss it at all. I have other crutches. But with college, counselling and the faith people are putting in you I think you can see that things may be bleak but are not unrecoverable.
    Hang in there and be strong until the days looks bright when you get up. I’m sure there are friends you can talk too about it.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

    • amandagreenauthor

      Thanks David – I hope you are well! I had a good day today, no alcohol and I did some chores and relaxed. Having a cold helps me relax funnily enough, as I have much less energy. I went and got cake and ice-cream for today’s treats YUM! Will start thinking about it all afresh tomorrow – no rash decisions 🙂 x

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