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The child from my past – is that my child within? Why do I act like a child when happy?

I was deeply moved by a blog post I read lately, from a woman reminiscing about a scene from her childhood (a bit like the one from my book, where I visit the psychiatric hospital age six, to see my mum). It read very easily due to her ability to put her thoughts into words that I could ‘feel’. I could empathise with her. This particular blog post was very poignant to me, because I felt very afraid and confused as a child as well.

I had OCD and anxiety traits from a very young age. I felt lost. And the abuse I saw from my mother to father was partly to do with that, together with my mums very sad, lonely existence with catatonic schizophrenia, in and out of hospital. I loved and hated her at the same time.  I felt a similar way about one of my brothers, who physically and mentally bullied me during those early years.

When I think about myself as a child, it is like that little innocent girl is a stranger now. I want to go back to comfort her and help her through her troubles. Yet, at the same time, although that child is long gone, when I really think about it I feel I may well hold her inside me as well.

When I am happy, in particular, it is like I become a child again and maybe I am being ‘her’ again in order to give her happiness.

One of my brothers, much older than me, still acts like a child at certain times, particularly when he is stressed – he has to muck about and be naughty and annoying! I have, in the past, summarised that he does it because of his having to be childish and entertaining for my mum – to cheer her up, as I also did and still do. We were both expected to do that since we were children, unlike my other two brothers, so it seemed logical that he still holds his childish ways because of that – and maybe me too. But when I read that blog post and thought about myself as a child again, I noticed now it might well be that I really am still carrying her around with me, entertaining her when I can. Maybe it’s why I never wanted to grow up, and why I find too much responsibility a big problem in my life, even now. Maybe, just maybe, when something good happens, she comes out to enjoy it? mmmm.

When I find myself, at 39 years old, jumping round the room singing ‘la la la’, when something good has happened or doing forward rolls on the bed if my back allows it, I guess it might be like I am being a happy ‘her’. I have not even thought about this as a reason before for being such an irresponsible and excitable child at times – definitely food for thought though!

It might well just be a ‘coping mechanism’ or maybe I am just like many other adults who also let their inner child out regularly! I mean, I know many do – it helps us to be less uptight after all!

Hope that makes sense! 🙂

What do you think? A profound question huh!

Now Kimmie’s blog post I was talking about is here – do check her blog out, I find it really interesting, helpful and well written and she’s a lovely lady 🙂 CLICK HERE TO OPEN HER BLOG IN A NEW WINDOW 

Take care,

Amanda 🙂


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6 comments to The child from my past – is that my child within? Why do I act like a child when happy?

  • LoveLusciousWorld

    Parts of me are childlike and parts of me are teenage. I’ve learned that in childhood and as a teenager I felt unsafe expressing my authentic emotions and being, so I suppose these “parts”, not quite integrated, pop up what feels like out of the blue: when I sometimes giggle with my hand over my mouth at a joke or sing “you are so cute and lovely” to my stuffed toy beaver (!). It can be disconcerting but I sort of accept it. The only problem is when I act childlike around people who don’t know me as they can take the piss.

    • amandagreenauthor

      I still have my teddy in bed! But because I have a cute hamster and pussy cat I get to speak and act like a child to them whenever I like and not even feel bad so it’s horses for courses eh, it’s all about getting through life, enjoying it as much as possible and if the child wants to play then let her; that’s what I do LOL 🙂

  • emma

    i to act childlike when happy and even does not bother me though i now i go very hyper which can get annoying to my best mate who is calm.i think its if it makes you happy thats all that really matters life is stresfull enough at the best of times/

    • amandagreenauthor

      I totally agree Emma – what is important to know is that we are all ‘individuals’ – not one of us the same as the next person, and that is what is so special about the human race. I too can be very hyper when excited although I only tend to allow myself to be like that around those who will not frown upon it ie Chris and my mum LOL but it shouldn’t be that way. I am sure your friend has some traits you aren’t keen on but being different is what makes the world an interesting place 🙂

  • Dody

    I’m about to turn 65, Amanda, in bodily age. My young-at-heart spontaneous way of reacting to many things in my daily life come from the inner child within me; the one who is free to simply be, to enjoy any delightfully rich, fun moment. She is the most precious part of my human experience. I say, ‘Let her play!’ Our mature aspects will take care of anything that needs being done.

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