I no longer have a mum

I no longer have a mum

The trauma in the last week has left me numb

I write this now, just one day after her death

I stepped out of the hospital room and she took her very last breath

The nurse said it’s common, as I held my mum’s warm hand

To wait until the family is gone, before their life will end

I get that as I know full well how our mind controls our body

That reminds me of my dad’s nickname for my mum, it’s Dolly

I know that time will unfold more feelings and thoughts

But for now, I’m just OK, and sometimes I feel frought

I loved my mum despite her moods, as most of it she could not control

Schizophrenia since her twenties, all her life it was so cruel

Dementia then took over after a fall down the stairs

Despite three visits to the GP, he didn’t realise what was clear

She had too much Lithium in her blood, making her delirious and caused the fall

When she nearly died four years ago, but her strength it conquered all

The brain scan showed damage from mini-strokes, vascular dementia was the name

All I know is my mum slowly disappeared, her personality was never the same

First her memory went, then behaviour became even more erratic than before

Her mobility, eating, her continence, it all gradually became much worse

I cherished every day out, on our own for lunch or with dad

Knowing it would gradually end, her best years she’d already had

I look at Titus my black and white cat, his visits to mum very much cheered her

As he entered the room, her eyes lit up, she relaxed as she stroked his lovely soft fur

A photo of me and Titus the cat sat at the end of her bed

If she got agitated or sad or upset, the carers always said

They’d show her the photo and talk of us both and she smiled and called out my name

I’m so grateful that she never forgot who I was, even though she was never the same

She remembered my dad, and needed him most, his visits must have been so soothing

Even when she was upset, or calling us names, she told us of her love, it was all so very moving

Her mobility worsened, she was stuck in the chair, incontinence that came next

Her brain cells lessened, her confusion got worse, concentration became less and less

Then her eating was erratic, her fingers she’d use, to pick up her lunch or her dinner

She lost lots of weight, her face and body changed as she weakened and got very much thinner

Then stuck in her bed, her swallowing got worse, her frailty became very clear

I still took in old photos and showed them to her, recognition I held very dear

That’s me or that’s Sandra, or that’s Desmond or dad, she’d know me even when I was two

Despite her failing mind and body, she’d know me and say I love you

Sometimes we were ‘pigs’ she’d say ‘you don’t like me’, or she’d cry and be crushed with fear

The next minute we’re great, or her eyes would close, words repeated, dementia was clear

The words ‘yellow’ or ‘what colour’ they featured a lot, as her arms reached out before her

Or ‘lily of the valley’ that too, over and over, when that started we knew we couldn’t reach her

And then she was sick, it went down the wrong way, caused Pneumonia right in her lungs

Off to hospital she went, I knew she’d not come out, there was not much time now left for fun

Just over a week we watched her go down, her swallowing went, the infection would not go away

We made the choice to stop all the treatment, oh what an awfully sad day

There was more to come as she wouldn’t give up, we watched her body break down

The medicines came, as the (death) rattle began, her consciousness began to wane

Just a few moments left, to see her stunning blue eyes, focus on mine or the others

Michael, my dad, we were there in that room, and even all three of my brothers

Then the last call came, to me in the morning, the nurse said her breathing had changed

We got in the car and phoned my dad but he somehow sounded deranged

We knew he wasn’t well, he’d been coughing last night, we’d taken some medicines round

I went to see mum, Michael went to my dad, an ambulance was arranged

Dad in A&E my mum just upstairs it all became so surreal

Antibiotic drips started, for my dad, weakness in my body I could feel

As I watched my mum passing, one brother was there, and Michael was right by my side

We all visited dad, to see how he was, as my mum’s breathing began to subside

I went up alone to find her all quiet, but warm to the touch, I called the nurse in

She confirmed she’d just gone and she closed the door, as my mind began to cave in

I kissed her goodbye, I talked to her loads, I said everything I needed to say

As I sobbed for ages, reminiscing lots, oh boy, what a grave day

She’s out of pain now, we all agreed, she’d had enough of suffering in her time

She’d said many times, we went down to tell dad, in his hospital ward, he was going to be fine

We all are relieved, she will suffer no more, and the grieving had already begun

But it’s much worse now as I realise, I no longer have a mum.

Rest in Peace Mummy, 26th February 2019 XXXXXXX